The Need To Idealize In Order To Love

When we fall in love, idealizing our meaningful counterpart is not only inevitable, it is even necessary. This uncontrollable and passionate state that breaks over us with such intensity is due to our special gaze. This is aimed at the person we are in love with and often leaves us in awe: every positive trait of the object of love is perceived more intensely. Every negative trait is felt to be less significant. You ignore it or even consider it something charming.

The idealization is of limited duration as it is inevitable that the initial intensity will decrease over time. It is not possible to maintain this state permanently as it affects us in every aspect of our life. Our ability to concentrate and attentiveness is reduced because our focused energy is for the loved one.

What happens when idealizing in biochemical terms

When one is in a state of total infatuation, there is a biochemical process going on in our brain that is addictive. This is why this condition is likened to being “drugged” and actually resembles a mental illness.

When we are in love, mediators like norepinephrine and dopamine are released in our brain. The production of other neurotransmitters also changes. This creates a higher level of excitement and speeds up the heartbeat, causing hot flashes and insomnia.

Phenylethylamines, as a group of neurotransmitters is also known, are also found in foods such as chocolate. This is why chocolate can help alleviate the anxiety that the absence of the loved one creates. The following symptoms can occur during the idealization phase:

• Palpitations, chills, and a tingling sensation in the stomach (also called “butterflies”)
• Severe nervousness, hot flashes, cold sweats and dilated pupils
• Changes in body odor, debilitating fear, and a physical need for the target person’s presence
• Focus on the loved one, dependency and loss of identity
• Desire to merge, changing states of euphoria and depression

The fantastic phase of idealization

Our imaginations take off, every aspect of the other person seems great to us. We create an extraordinary being. In our minds we play with his individual traits. However, we also add a few aspects that we would like to have or longingly wish for.

“Oh, beloved! The conclusion you can draw for yourself is this: Imagine that whoever looks at your loved one finds him as beautiful as you do. “

We think of this person everywhere and around the clock. We see her everywhere and have the feeling that she is part of us. Hallucinations can even occur during this phase.

Our fantasies revolve around the ideal that we have created. Everything we consider to be part of a romantic relationship. Depending on how we experience love, we will look for a certain type of person or someone who comes close to this ideal. For example, we look for impossible loves and loves that are experienced through pain. Or a love based on conflict, a passionate love, tragic love, perfect love, etc.

Stay connected to reality

Idealizing someone we love can take a while. When this phase ends, the relationship can end or change. It all depends on the extent to which reality matches the expectations we had. If the person we idealized is not at all our ideal, the relationship is likely to end soon.

This confrontation with reality can be frustrating and tragic. Especially after all the experiences in castles in the air that we had during the phase of hot love. But getting back to reality is an important step. Our stormy love turns into a mature love. This transition affirms that we have by our side the person we want to be with, to share life with one another.

Love is only possible when two people communicate with one another from the very core of their being. Human reality can only be found in this fundamental experience. That is where life lies. In this you can find the foundation of love. Love – experienced this way – is a constant challenge, not a bench to rest on. Constant movement, constant growth and constant cooperation. So it is of secondary importance whether it is harmonious or conflict-ridden, tense or happy. The basic fact is: two beings experience each other from their core being.

“There is only one proof of love: the depth of the relationship, its vitality and strength in each of the lovers. That alone is the fruit by which love can be recognized. “