Raising Children Without Borders? – The Parents Will Regret That

Raising children without borders? All parents will regret this decision sooner or later, because well-intentioned deeds are often punished with ingratitude in the long term.

When it comes to parenting, there have always been many questions and a wide variety of feelings, especially when it comes to setting boundaries. It is common for parents to have doubts and even feel like “bad parents” when they have to make decisions, make rules and enforce them.

When it comes to the hard work of raising a child, we ask ourselves many questions: Am I doing this right? Is that the right decision? Why do I feel like I am making the wrong decision when I am convinced that it is the right decision?

As we search for answers, we find innumerable articles, books, and advice about raising children. To do this, we have to ask Google, the librarian we trust, or our circle of friends. We then receive numerous proposals, but they are not always coherent and appropriate.

What is a limit and what is not?

Many people associate the word “limit” with something negative and think that setting limits means ignoring the child’s opinion. But the concept of the border does not mean ignoring a child, but has to do with structuring and regulating his environment and teaching him something. Setting a limit does not mean speaking up or getting angry, nor does it show a lack of respect for the other person.

Raising up means saying no to requests that cannot or should not be complied with and teaching the child that they have to wait every now and then to get what they want and that their wishes may not always be fulfilled walk. This also includes following behaviors that need to be corrected, and consequently proceeding with the decisions made.

This doesn’t require parents to raise their voices, get angry, or constantly reprimand their children. We can say calmly, clearly and without too many repetitions what is to be conveyed to the child. It is not appropriate to make threats that will never be carried out.

“Dad, will you buy me the Peppa Pig cake?”

Imagine you’re in a supermarket and your daughter wants you to buy her the Peppa Pig cake. It is neither the time nor the opportunity to buy this cake, so you say no. Because of your answer, your daughter keeps nagging, starts crying and stamping like Rumpelstiltskin. At that moment, you feel ashamed because people around you are looking at you. You get more and more angry and so that the tantrum ends and you don’t have to deal with the looks of other customers, you buy your daughter the cake. Your little one, who is now happy with her cake, falls silent, you are no longer ashamed and the shopping can go on.

This situation can be translated as follows: Parents give in so that there is peace, that the child stops crying and they no longer have to be ashamed. In this way, the child learns that they can use their tantrums in such a way that they get what they want.

Even if we can control the moment in which the situation occurs, such freaks can become the order of the day if the child achieves what he wants.

Patterson and the Trap of Negative Reinforcement

Patterson’s coercion theory and his trap of negative reinforcement explains the example shown above very well, as well as how it is less stressful and easier for parents to comply with inappropriate requests from their children in the short term. In the long run, however, the price will be much higher as the inappropriate behaviors will repeat themselves unexpectedly many times.

When parents give in to undesirable behavior, such as a tantrum, hitting, or threatening, both sides feel “good”: the parents manage to get the child to calm down and stop annoying them while the child is doing it manages to get what it wants.

Patterson’s Negative Reinforcement Trap explains how parents give in to a fit of anger and thereby find relief because the child’s tantrum stops. However, doing this increases the likelihood that angry outbursts will be shown.

In the short term it seems like both parties are winning, but in the long run the consequences can be very uncomfortable. The child learns to manipulate the adult through these behaviors and will therefore use them more often. Parents, on the other hand, will at some point no longer be able to control their child’s behavior unless they give him what he wants.

The consequences of an education without limits

People who used to have no limits are usually frustrated quickly, have difficulty controlling their emotions, and do not respond appropriately to rules and obligations. They usually manipulate and make them feel bad to get them where they want to go.

Disobedience, making demands, a lack of stamina and unwillingness to make an effort, a lack of patience, no sense of cooperation, behavioral problems, aggression or even the destruction of objects are just some of the problems that can arise if no limits are set.

Behavioral disorders such as oppositional defiant behavior or behavioral problems, which are characterized by constant rebellion and rule violations, are often based on a limitless upbringing in which the child sets the tone, commands and decides.

If you don’t educate, who will?

Psychologist Teresa Rosillo said in a recent interview: “We forgot to tell the kids that their parents set the tone.”  In many households, the child has the final say and it is the adults who set their plans and routines adjust the child’s demands and whims.

It is the parents, and not other institutions or people, who have the duty to raise their children. That means listening to them, showing them what is right and wrong, and saying things like, “No, we’ve already talked about that, ” or, “You have to wait a minute.”  Children have to get to know frustration and parents have to have theirs Teach children to deal with this feeling. Raising up is not an easy task, but if parents don’t care, who will?