Martyrs Complex – What Exactly Is Behind It?

The martyr complex describes people who put others above their own needs. You might even believe that other people’s experiences are more important than your own. Therefore, they put themselves in a victim role. In other words, they are the ones who suffer the most, and they do so very intensely. This way of experiencing life is what psychologists call the martyr complex .

From a psychological point of view, it can be said that adopting such an attitude is practically voluntary. This is because pain and persecution fuel certain psychological needs. Therefore, it often happens that these people justify their martyrdom by saying that they do so out of love, duty and sacrifice for others.

Oddly enough, the search for suffering makes the martyr somehow feel better. From this perspective of the world, punishing yourself is an act of kindness. Because they do not harm anyone else and therefore these people then feel more valuable. However, this is clearly a self-destructive behavior because these people ignore their own needs. Therefore, they keep looking for and repeating situations that burden them.

How does a person behave with a martyr complex?

In order to find out if a person has a martyr complex, you need to take a closer look at various behaviors, thoughts, and values ​​of that person. The following aspects could indicate this:

• This person sees himself as pious, hero or saint. Hence, he sees others as selfish or insensitive and as people who simply do not appreciate the efforts of others.
• Martyr complexes tend to exaggerate the extent of their suffering in order to improve their image. In addition, they seek attention and approval from anyone who listens to them.

• In addition, these people often have low self-esteem. This is reflected, for example, in the fact that they very often emphasize that they do not feel they are worthy and that they underestimate their personality.
• In addition, they find it extremely difficult to say no and set limits. As a result, they continue to burden themselves with more “favors”, tasks, and abusive relationships. There are also some martyrs who take on the role of manipulators. These are the people who use their victim role to emotionally blackmail other people in order to get what they want from them.
• Martyrs have no strategies for solving their problems. If you do solve them at some point, there will always be new ones to complain about.

• They tend to find ways to demonstrate their kindness and good intentions. However, at the same time they create situations in which the other is “the bad guy”.
• Also, they are often disappointed in other people’s reactions after helping them. Even though they don’t expect anything in return, they are still unhappy with how the other person reacts. This is because deep down they want admiration for their “self-sacrificing and selfless” behavior.

How can you deal with such people?

Dealing with a person who has a martyr complex is not an easy task. Because these people keep talking about how bad they are and that can be very negative for you.

In addition, if they help you, they try to make you feel like you owe them to them. Therefore, when dealing with people like this, you should follow these three simple strategies:

• First of all, you shouldn’t accept favors or other self-sacrificing behavior in your favor . The more you accept from a martyr, the more likely they will be disappointed in you. And this can lead to conflict. However, the point is not to reject everything, just to evaluate when it is really necessary. You should also try to get such a person to take care of themselves a little more instead.
• Additionally, you shouldn’t engage in conversations in which she talks about her feelings as a victim and her grief. Also, try not to show compassion for them or to add to their fears. Instead, you should only highlight the positive results in your comments.
• If this person is important to you, you should seek a conversation with him. Try to explain to that person that their behavior makes you feel uncomfortable and does not do you any good. At first, the affected person will certainly react defensively to it. But you can only help this person if you speak calmly, acknowledge their efforts and show them solutions.

When you have a martyr complex yourself

More difficult than dealing with such a person is the realization that you yourself suffer from a martyr complex and admit it to yourself. If you think you have a tendency to behave in this way, you can evaluate your behavior in the following ways:

• You are bothered by the way people react to your kindness. Or maybe you also think that they are not reacting the way “they should”.
• You often say “yes” when you really want to say “no”.
• After you’ve agreed to do something you can’t do, you’ll find excuses for it.

• If you say “no”, you soon worry about the fact that others are replacing you or that other people value other people more than you.
• You often offer your help without carefully reviewing your options.
• After all, you often feel like you are putting the needs of others above your own.

This is how you can change this martyr complex mentality

First of all, you need to recognize and accept that this is a problem because it is the most important step in making a change. After that, you should think about and learn new behaviors and understand that they will not make you a bad person. Because being accepted or loved is not determined by what you do, but by who you are. Therefore, you should realize that the pursuit of meeting and fulfilling everyone’s needs is a mental burden that is going nowhere.

Find new ways to interact in your relationships. Take on a different role. Maybe it’s time you took the initiative, made your own decisions, and stood up for yourself when your life has only revolved around others so far.

In this change process, it is crucial that you consider whether your behavior is a balanced way of developing relationships with other people. You should also think about whether you want to position yourself above, below, or next to other people.

In addition, you should take responsibility and at the same time respect the freedom of others. It is now time to accept your mistakes and understand that each person reacts in their own way and understands life in their own way. Therefore, you shouldn’t make yourself dependent on their point of view.

Final thoughts

And you should also talk to other people about your change process. You will surely understand and appreciate it. They may even help you make this process easier. Still, you have to be patient. Because there will also be people who have taken advantage of this situation or simply need more time to get used to the new you.