Living Apart Together (LAP) – A Good Solution?

Although a Dutch journalist first used the term “ Living Apart Together ” (LAT) in 1978, it was not until 2000 that it was adopted by American scholars and journalists. They use it to describe relationships in which the partners have an intimate relationship but continue to live separately. Nevertheless, these couples sporadically spend a lot of time together – be it on weekends or public holidays.

At the moment, the models of interpersonal and family relationships are changing. Although these pair models have probably been around for some time, they have largely remained hidden in the past. However, these relationship models, which no longer correspond to traditional family structures, are becoming more and more visible today.

These changes, and especially couples who live according to the Living Apart Together model, are topics that are examined in family sociology. Some authors suggest that these couples are traditional partnerships that no longer want or need to live together for typical reasons such as difficult access to housing, the job market, the level of commitment, etc.

Others believe that it is a new relationship model based on emotional, individual and intimate freedom. For them, the decision to be a Living Apart Together couple is a personal choice. Although these couples do not live together, they are nonetheless committed to each other in all other aspects of life. However, this engagement in traditional relationship models would also include living together.

In what context does such a relationship model arise?

Researchers are interested in the individual, demographic, or cultural characteristics of this relationship model. For all those characteristics that could contribute to a better understanding of a Living Apart Together model.

However, you also have to look at it in the context of a changing society, which influences relationship models due to the following aspects, among other things:

• Infertility Problems.
• Difficulties related to the stability of the labor market.
• Increasing level of education and growing attention to gender equality.

In addition, other new models are emerging due to ideological changes such as open relationships, polyamory, hybrids, swingers, etc.

We live in an age in which new technologies are also redefining the way people relate to one another. Because it determines how a relationship begins and also the meaning of distance. It is evident from this that the concept of love and partnership is more subjective today than ever before.

What are the advantages of the Living Apart Together relationship model?

There are many different facets of this type of relationship. In addition, the reasons for this seem to vary depending on the age of the partners.

Usually this model is typical for schoolchildren and students aged 18 to 24 who are still living with their parents. However, the reasons that lead to such relationships in young people are often beyond their own control. Because they depend on variables such as their financial dependency on parents, care responsibilities, study obligations, etc.

In fact, these people often state that they would like to live with their partner if circumstances permit. Therefore, the main motivation for this partnership model in this age group is that these people are in a transition phase to greater responsibility and subsequent coexistence.

For adults over 30 years of age, the Living Apart Together (LAT) partnership is a way to share intimacy while still enjoying your own autonomy. Therefore, as the years go by, the intention to develop a relationship in a more traditional direction (marriage and cohabitation) diminishes. In addition, the duration of these partnerships is significantly longer than that of young people.

Can such a relationship be permanent?

Some studies were designed as long-term studies to monitor these partnerships over time. In addition, each partner’s intentions and plans for the future were examined.

Various research suggests that between 20 and 30% of LAT couples stay in such partnerships and would like to continue them in the future. Obviously, this intention is related to age: young people between the ages of 25 and 29 are most likely to live together and get married. In contrast, most people over 60 want to continue to live separately.

In addition, the duration of a partnership also seems to play a role. The intention to get married increases from the first to the third year of the relationship. If the partnership has existed for more than three years, the intention to maintain the existing situation prevails.

In general, social pressure also plays an important role in determining whether or not to continue a Living Apart Together relationship. And this regardless of the age of the partner. This is because their families and friends feel they need to live together and ask about it or comment on the situation frequently. Hence, this influence causes the partners in the relationship to think about which direction the relationship should take in the future.

Is Living Apart Together (LAT) a good solution?

In summary, LAT couples choose such a relationship for two main reasons: either because of a lack of resources or because of a voluntary choice to maintain their own autonomy. Also, this could be an attempt to resolve problems or difficulties that arose during the partners’ previous cohabitation. For example, the distribution of tasks or with children from previous partnerships.

Usually the main advantage is the preservation of one’s own autonomy and privacy and the avoidance of possible losses (economic, other relationships, material, etc.). All of this is clearly determined by the attitudes or ideas the partners have about romantic relationships.

However, this model also has a number of disadvantages. Especially for people who have an ambivalent attitude towards Living Apart Together partnerships. In this case, the flexibility of such partnerships can create dissatisfaction or a feeling of insecurity. Because one partner doesn’t want to live with the other. Also, living together in general may offer more opportunities for intimate moments and instrumental and emotional support.

Therefore , the decision about whether Living Apart Together is a suitable relationship model for you depends solely on your own needs. Whether this solution can meet your own needs is determined by your personal values ​​and preferences. And the reasons that led you to make this decision.