Cognitive Dissonance In Emotional Dependence

Cognitive dissonance is a classic term in psychology that was coined in 1957 by the American psychologist Leon Festinger. He is referring to the fact that people tend to strive for an internal consistency between beliefs, values ​​and behaviors.

However, when this balance is threatened, the affected person feels uncomfortable and shows an interest in restoring it. Cognitive dissonance is a common psychological effect that we have all experienced, to a greater or lesser extent, before. Today we are going to focus on the effect of cognitive dissonance in an emotional addiction (state).

Many are unaware that cognitive dissonance is ruling their lives. They then usually subconsciously develop various strategies that help them deal with it. Some people trivialize their behavior (“This is not important”, “We all have to die at some point”), others deceive themselves (“That is sure to change”).

In other situations , people change their minds, try to influence others to adjust their views, or even develop strategies to avoid comparisons with others (“Yes, it’s true, he died of cancer because he smoked. But he had a family background, not me. ”).

Cognitive dissonance is a common companion in emotionally dependent relationships. When a person is in a toxic relationship, they know deep down that it would be better for them to break up with it. On the other hand, there are certain aspects that prevent them from actually doing this. The fear of loneliness and sadness usually goes hand in hand with the daily discomfort that is triggered by the destructive relationship.

When “I have to” and “I need” collide

The cognitive dissonance arises in the emotional dependence at the moment in which the person perceives everyday life with their partner as a punishment. Either because she is being humiliated or canceled, because the other person is aggressive or contentious, or because infidelity has become the norm. As a result, the affected person’s self-esteem suffers more and more.

If the emotionally dependent person experiments a lucid moment and opens their eyes, they will be able to see that reality. She becomes aware of the pain and suffering. In this moment, the person concerned knows that they have to leave the relationship because they are hurting.

But in many cases emotional dependence harbors a powerful obstacle: the fear of rejection or loneliness. The fear of being alone with yourself. The moment of clarity therefore quickly disappears and gives way to other, unpleasant feelings.

The thought of leaving the relationship and acting coherently fades and the affected person feels that they need their partner in order not to be alone. She will therefore not leave her comfort zone and will maintain her usual behavior. 

The cognitive dissonance in an emotional addiction becomes even more uncomfortable when others are aware that the suffering person has to leave the relationship. With the intention of helping, they try to point out: “Can’t you see he’s unfaithful?” “You shouldn’t put up with him yelling at you!”, “Leave him before it’s too late. ”

This obviously creates a much greater internal conflict and the dependent individual may reject or break off relations with friends who only mean well. This in turn increases the cognitive dissonance, as people close to you do not approve of this behavior.

Cognitive dissonance: excuses and self-deception

In toxic relationships, excuses and self-deception are part of everyday life in order to lessen the discomfort caused by cognitive dissonance. Those affected therefore regard their self-generated reality as real, because they try to remain coherent with it.

However, the cognitive dissonance expresses this self-delusion. Most noticeable are the emotions. Because if you are in a harmful relationship, but your behavior is consistent with it, you feel uncomfortable. This can lead to depressive episodes, which can be recognized by insomnia, loss of appetite, apathy and other symptoms.

Another key to recognizing self-deception is the thought of a possible separation, which those affected experience as a deep abyss. You have a pronounced fear of uncertainty, of a future with changes. This fear can manifest itself through an exaggerated need not to hold onto the relationship out of love. It’s the fear of not being able to cope on your own that holds them back. The dependent does not trust their abilities, resources and potential.

In this case, therapy is essential so that the affected person can become aware of how they are deceiving themselves and clinging to an undesirable future.  Psychotherapy can help reduce cognitive dissonance with strategies that allow the addict to see their own reality and a different future.