The Calm And Obedient Child Is Not Always A Happy Child

The calm child who looks at the world from a corner and obeys right away is not always a happy child, however “comfortable” it may be for the people around him. Often times when we feel fear, despair, or shame, we tend to hide from ourselves in a far corner. Therefore, it is better to teach respect, and not through blind obedience that emanates from the same agony that robs identities.

We are not wrong in saying that the issue of obedience is overrated and even misunderstood by many families. In addition, all too often parents say that “obedience is the guarantee of happiness” . And there is no shortage of parents who take pride in themselves when they see their children follow orders the first time.

Blind obedience is not the same as intelligent obedience. Especially not if it is done out of fear. Not if you teach the child early on that the most important thing is to please others, leaving aside their own needs, criteria and desires.

Sooner or later the day will come when this little child will no longer consider himself valuable. It is possible that it will eventually stop defending itself and allow others to deal with it as they please.

“The purpose of education is to show the young person how to learn. Another concept of education is indoctrination. “

Noam Chomsky

The calm child and the effect of an authoritarian upbringing

There are children of discovery. The kind of child who touches everything, looks at everything and asks questions. Colorful children who occupy rooms with insatiable curiosity. They are happy children. On the other hand, there are also calm, somewhat more reserved children who, however, have no difficulty in bonding. All you have to do is find a topic that interests you, that will make your eyes shine, and demonstrate the sensational wealth that you have within you. They are introverted and happy children.

But we can often meet those children who avoid our gaze. They seem to be around the next corner to downsize, to pretend they’re not there. To feel safe from a world that you don’t understand, but which you follow to the letter. It is those children who do not protest and whose vocabulary there is no “why”, no questions to explore, no eyes to question the facts.

It is clear that our children need boundaries and stable rules. But the calm child, who always obeys without arguing, is very often the product of an authoritarian upbringing. An education in which rules are set by threat rather than intelligence.

Intelligence is inherent in those who do not use fear, but empathy. Those who prefer to make their children feel respectful and able to understand why certain rules and regulations need to be followed.

In this context, there is one essential fact that we cannot ignore: children must understand the basis of everything that is required of them. If we limit ourselves to enforcing undeniable obedience, we will profile immature people who always need someone to tell them what to do and what not to do.

There comes a time in a person’s life when they must apply their own criteria. The occasional rebellion or questioning of the rules our parents impose on us gives shape to these early attempts to define our own identities. This is something that parents need to understand.

Let us raise happy children, not children shackled by blind obedience

As parents or educators, we know how to tell a child in a raised voice, “Do this now, because I’m telling you!” , is a time-saving tool. We apply out of urgency and it brings us good results. But what price do we pay for it and what are the consequences of demanding immediate obedience by using screams?

The effects are immense. We will shape a child with calm or defiant behaviors. With such an authoritarian dynamic, we lose the essential thing we can build with our children: trust.

Well, then the question arises, how do I get my child to obey me? It is clear that this is not easy if we have so far only achieved it through threats and punishment. But sometimes the answer is much simpler than it seems: if we want our child to trust us, if we ask them to do or obey something, we also learn to trust them, we learn to respect them.

Respect is shown by listening. Answer questions, argue, promote reciprocity. Respect is earned by taking into account needs, preferences, idiosyncrasies. It is necessary, therefore, to give way to some kind of intelligent obedience where the child understands the reason for everything, internalizes the rules and knows their uses before having to obey them.

We want children who are happy, sensitive to their surroundings, willing to learn. Not children silenced by the shadows of fear and authoritarianism.